This post is where I try to explain my feeling for current turn of events on Guiding Light. Some of my feelings might surprise some. This post is probably more for me as a try to sort through things like "character motivation" and "story arcs" in an attempt to fanwank my problems out of existence. Will it work? Probably not. Bottom line is I don't want a show that I've watched and loved for eighteen years to end like a bad blowjob ... with a really bad taste in my mouth. I will do everything in my power to make all my problems with the plot twist, hereby referred to in this post as "crazy baby math", morph into something bordering on like. At the very least, not seething hate. Well, at least no one got raped or blinded by shards of broken glass. That's ... something isn't it? Right. Right? All I know is I feel so sorry they are making JL come back earlier from maternity leave .. for this.




As I've said before, my main problem with this sudden plot twist isn't so much the twist itself because, unwanted pregnancy is THE go-to stumbling block if you want a supercouple to stew in their own angst for a while. My god, are there any children on soaps who aren't 'happy accidents' that upon their conception didn't render their parents lives a living hell? I digress. My problem with this twist is threefold.

Timing:
For the LOVE OF GOD, JESUS, THE SAINTS, THE APOSTLES, MARY, JOSEPH AND A RANDOM SHEEP IN THE MANGER why didn't they introduce this plot point earlier? Instead, we had two solid months of overthinking and overanalysis of a relationship Natalia and Olivia weren't really having when we could have had a legitimate reason for Natalia's hesitance over a full fledged relationship. A Bun in the oven kind of puts a kibosh in making future plans with your soulmate when your soulmate ain't the baby daddy. But more to the point, there is no time left to bring this baby plot to any sort of satisfying conclusion, particularly if Natalia carries this baby to term. You are making me wish for a miscarriage, show, and I don't like it. Not that I think that option is any better than an actual baby. Natalia will feel guilt about losing the baby for AGES and that ain't going to translate to happy, hot, sexy times which is what I would like to see for this couple.

No Touching
And speaking of full fledged relationship... this entire plot line would be a whole lot easier to swallow if Natalia and Olivia were having awesome sex that God would actually "punish" them for. At the very least, I could buy that Natalia didn't notice she was pregnant because of all the awesome sex she was having with Olivia. Her orgasm buzz was just too great to see anything else. In TV land, we all know that lesbians = babies because it provides a "legitimate" excuse for a show not to deal with the messy sexual aspect of gay relationships. But on this show, they were already highly desexualized .. so adding a baby to mix makes them so desexualized Natalia might as well be carrying Jesus and remain a lesbian virgin mother forever. Someone find her a stable to give birth in.

Character Assassination
Now comes the biggest sin. Up until now, GL has handled the character aspect of this storyline very well. Even if I didn't agree with some of the story beats (Natalia agreeing to marry Frank, the waiting game, etc), I could understand why the characters were doing what they were doing because it made a certain amount of sense from a character angle, but no more. We now have the added bonus of this plot twist making Natalia looking like the stupidest woman on Earth. You didn't notice you were pregnant for five months? Really? REALLY? Did your Catholic school not give you sex education cl... oh right. Never mind. I might be able to swallow this certain plot point if Natalia never had to do crazy baby math before, but I'm thinking once you've had a baby growing in your womb there is a certain feeling that is sort of unmistakable. God knows I know when I eat a hamburger there is a certain feeling my body goes through that is an equivalent of "hey, don't eat meat again for a eight days, mmmokay!" And, you know, that is just a hamburger. I assume there is a certain "hey, there is a baby growing in here" feeling that comes with nesting life in your uterus. So yeah ... Natalia .. stupid. But the GL writers are not stopping there, tomorrow Natalia does something so unbelievable selfish and out of character, I'm left to wonder if I would take her back if I was Olivia (I try to rationalize this bit later).

So, what do we got us with this plot twist. Natalia morphing into a woman who doesn't understand her own reproductive cycle. Olivia so defanged and pussy whipped I want Olivia Spencer from five years ago to time travel to the present and slap some sense into herself. Or slap herself back into five years ago, thus producing a time paradox that would create a black hole and swallow Springfield into its black hole center, rendering it non-existent. Frank.. being a good man. Crazy baby math has left me with a headache.

And now on to yesterday's show... already in progress...



I don't want to spoil it for you, but I think Natalia is pregnant. Crazy baby math for the WIN. As one of my friends on twitter said yesterday... It was amusing to see a 19-month pregnant Jessica Leccia take a pregnancy test. For a second when she was looking at her iPhone, I wondered if Apple made a pregancy test app. They do have that vibrator app, so, you know, anything is possible. Think you're pregnant? We have an app for that. And how much was Olivia paying Natalia anyway that she could afford a fucking iPhone. But back to the ritual that happens to many a heterosexual woman ... the praying you're not about to deal with crazy baby math hail marys as you wait for pregnancy test results. I know women who would break into a Native American rain dance if they think it would toss fate in their favor. All I could think when watching Natalia pray was ... you know what would solve all your problems... HAVING GAY SEX WITH OLIVIA. Gay Sex ... twice the fun and none of the consequences. If god hates unwanted pregnancy, have gay sex for Jesus.

The scene of Natalia being miserable and guilty about having unprotected sex and getting knocked up FOR THE SECOND TIME IN HER LIFE (no, really ... stupid) is juxtaposed with Olivia practically doing a happy "Jai Ho" dance over how wonderful life is at this very moment, which makes it all the more sad because you just know, being a soap and all, that the anvil marked MISERY is hanging over her head and ready to drop on her head but she just doesn't see it. Telling you, this show is about as subtle as a shotgun to the face. We can see where this is going miles away. This plot is feels exactly like THIS.

When Olivia and Jellybean check in on the most fertile woman on Earth, Natalia panicks and does something even more unimaginable than sleeping with Frank. She stuff the stick she just peed on into her purse, along with her iPhone. The iPhone has been ruined FOREVER. Wonder if iPhones have a pee-resistant coating. Olivia notices something is off but is too love sick to notice there is a human growing between them.

Family time in the kitchen highlights another problem with this storyline. Olivia is so clearly ready to make a family and a life with Natalia and willing to make it work no matter how hard yet ... Natalia still does not trust her relationship with Olivia to survive this baby bomb shell. This makes me sad. Why does Natalia have it in her head that being pregnant with her Frank's kid suddenly makes her relationship with Olivia impossible? It is not as if she cheated on Olivia with Frank. Olivia knows she had sex with Frank. At this point, with just how patient and loving Olivia's been, you would think Natalia would trust Olivia to give her a chance to react to this news. But no... Natalia just keeps silent and eyes her bag .. the one with stick she just peed on it.



After the rice crispy treats are done (and god, I hope Natalia washed her hands), Olivia and Natalia make plans to tell Emma about their non-sexual relationship togetherness and to go to the Bauer BBQ together. Olivia, the minx she is, seals the deal with an air kiss. This would be sweet if we were five and I was doing it across a crowded school yard. God knows, the one place you don't want to kiss the love of your life is in the privacy of your own home. Natalia wanders around town in a daze and happens upon Blake, the most amazing person in the history of this or any known universe. She blurts out that Blake was right. She is pregnant .. with Frank's baby. By the look on her face, Blake is all "great, what crazy orbit of human drama have I been sucked into and can I fake my own death to escape it?" Blake being Blake and therefore more awesome than she has any right to be takes Natalia to the hospital for blood work.

Olivia is in a happy daze of love and it is making everyone around her take notice and ... slightly ill. God knows when people are that happy around me, my first instinct is to run for the nearest exit or ask what they are on. Olivia Spencer is happy. Someone call the police. Doris accuses Olivia of being happy. Clutch the pearls and gay gasp. They celebrate with wine. Something tells me we shall repeat this scene soon, but it will be mourning ... with wine! There was a saying among BSG fans ... that show gave us everything we wanted in the worst possible way. Taking a page from that book, Olivia finally utters the phrase I've been waiting for her to say since the first time she kissed Natalia and realized "oh, shit, I love." She tells Doris "when we're together its like how things are supposed to be and I never felt this way with anyone else" but makes us hear this in a voice over as Natalia gets blood drawn. Thanks, show. Thanks. Way to spoil the sentiment! Blake holds Natalia's hand as she waits in the hospital which, going by lesbian relationships in Springfield, constitutes cheating on Olivia. That whore!

Surprise. Natalia's pregnant! You think! Natalia reacts the way any sensible adult with an unwanted bun in the oven does... she cries about it. She's so pretty when she cries. Olivia lost in her Olivia-Happy-Land gives the love of her life a call, so excited that they get to tell Emma. Natalia continues to cry because actually telling your girlfriend that you are pregnant and that you need her now more than ever is not something she would ever do. Doh!

And Scene.

Other Random Thoughts:
— And now I try to fanwank why Natalia would not tell Olivia and run away from town:
Natalia associates pregnancy with heartache and confusion. I am a tad bit murky on the details of her teenage relationship with Gus, but didn't she believe he went away upon learning of her pregnancy (in actuality, he didn't know he had knocked her up and walked away from her at her family's request). This crazy baby math is bringing back lots of that old confusion. I wouldn't be surprised if her headspace is living her teenage pregnancy all over again. She does not want Olivia to go away. Somehow, Natalia has it in her head that if Olivia finds out, she will do the NOBLE thing AGAIN and urge Natalia to make a life with Frank. Now, I don't think for a second that Olivia would do that, but Natalia has already witnessed Olivia doing the noble thing once before and swallow her feelings even though it hurt her badly. So maybe she thinks with something greater at stake, like a baby, Olivia will not want to get in the middle of it. I can somehow buy this, but the other side of the coin if you do buy this explanation is that Natalia still has doubts about Olivia's love for her. And doubts about how they would make this crazy thing between them work. If she think Olivia would roll over and play dead again because of a baby, she clearly doesn't know Olivia Spencer. I don't think Olivia will not let Natalia go without a fight. Not ever again. Natalia, however, just doesn't see that yet. All she sees now are the doubts, the fears, all the old stuff she had to deal with when she was sixteen bubbling to the surface again, but suddenly with the added fear of losing the love of her life in the process. Given the weight of all that, I might keep silent as well.

But then again, Olivia has jumped through an awful lot of hoops to get this shot at happiness with Natalia. You'd think Natalia would trust that. But she doesn't. Yeah, I don't think I convinced myself either.

— Jessica Leccia needs a nap. She looks so tired in these last few episodes. I can't imagine doing these hard, emotional scenes at 19 months pregnant.

— On a shallow note, Natalia and Olivia's respective cleavage was like witnessing a metaphorical bit of dueling banjos.

— I see what you were trying to do, show, distracting me with pretty to keep me from recognizing your storyline was about to enter the toilet. I am not fooled! Except ... JL looks so pretty. CC too.

— I wanted Blake to say, "wow, this reminds me of the time I slept with Rick Bauer and I got pregnant, but I didn't know if it was his baby or Ross's baby. Well, babies, actually 'cause I was pregnant with twins. But I didn't tell him that he may not have been the father. Turns out he was, even though for a while we thought one of the boys was Rick's and the others was Ross's. Good times. Or that time Ross and I slept together and I got pregnant again .. but we weren't actually together at the time so I thought it would be better if I hide the pregnancy from him because I thought he was moving on with his life with someone else .. my mother. Anyway.. yeah... you had to be there. Lesson.. don't hide your pregnancy from your soulmate. I learned the hard way.. twice."