This will probably be the last recap until Natalia comes back. Not much to say about this episode, except I giggled and cried, sometimes at the same time.




Previously on Guiding Light:
Natalia proves she is the most fertile woman on planet Earth. Olivia still thinks the Bauer BBQ is the happiest place on Earth, not aware that rain clouds are about to soak her perfect stone soul picnic (red yellow honey, sassafras and moonshine). Frank is a good man on this and any other planet. God is watching and having a laugh.



We open the episode with hot, unattached boys at the Bauer BBQ are sizing up Olivia. She is looking good, Rick comments. Apparently every single man in Springfield has the worst gaydar ever. And Olivia isn't exactly being subtle with an outfit that just screams, "I just got tickets to a Melissa Etheridge/Indigo Girls concert with Tegan and Sara opening!" The fashion ensemble is too gay even for me and that's saying .. a lot. Those shoes aren't bi-Curious, they are gold star "never touched a man" lesbian. Rick ignores the advice of his single dude posse and makes a play for Olivia's affections, but is taken out by a frisbee to the head. Yeah, Rick, we know how you feel. Otalia fans have been screaming for affection for months and we've been getting frisbees to the face for our trouble. My favorite moment of the entire episode was Matt noticing Mindy Sue Lewis and making a "she's hot" comment to Josh who deadpans, "she's my niece." Someone throw Matt in Blake's direction. PLEASE! This moment almost forgives what they do to Olivia and Natalia for the rest of the episode. Okay, not really, but I'm looking for brilliant rays of fucking sunshine anywhere I can get them.

Meanwhile, Natalia visit the church and lights a candle. For a second, I thought she was about to set the house of worship ablaze and I was excited. Natalia wonders what this all means. The timing of this ridiculous pregnancy must be a message from god. I don't know about you, but if this is a message from God, he's kind of an asshole. God is like that friend who dicks you around all the time and loves to make you miserable to have a good laugh. He is there when you need him, sometimes, when he feels like taking your calls and other times he just sets you up for disaster and gets off on watching you suffer. God is Tony Stonem from Skins. Ewww! Looking for messages from god is no better than reading tea leaves, but at least with that you can drink some tasty tea first.

Seriously, if you think your relationship with god involves him sending sadistic messages via unwanted pregnancies .. it's time to re-evaluate your relationship with god. 'Cause god sounds like an evil fuck. Proving that God may be as awful as we imagine, his agent on Earth Father Ray encourages Natalia to runaway from her problems. He frames it in the "you need time to think by yourself" talk, but it is still running away. The troubles are still going to be here when you return, Natalia, but, you know, only WORSE. Good plan. I don't know about you, but when I take time alone for myself to "think" about my problems, it only makes the problems worse and I only end up being two steps away from being crazy because I talk to myself, debate with myself and end up hating myself just a touch. I think what Father Ray, agent of Satan, is really saying here is that he wants Natalia to square her relationship with god 'cause his message via this unwanted pregnancy is pretty clear "YOU ARE HURTING PEOPLE YOU LOVE, so stop it ... oh, and here's a lovely parting gift .. enjoy the baby. Peace out."

One of the truly evil things about this plot turn is that it is proving Marina Cooper right and making her look like the smartest person in Springfield. I. DON'T. Want. Remember a few weeks ago when Marina accused Natalia of being too reactionary, just coasting along in life, letting things happen to her and letting everyone else pick-up the pieces. Gah. When Marina let her have it, I agreed with her, but thought it was a touch harsh. Natalia certainly didn't let life happen to her once faced with the reality of raising a kid on her own, but now ... it pains me to say this ... I really agree with Marina. Marina is right. Totally right. She wasn't harsh enough. So right it takes a turn into being wrong and comes back to being right because that's just how right it is. Natalia .. where your back bone be? Did you trade it at Springfield's saddest supermarket for some baking flour?

Reactionary, life-happening-too-me Natalia decides to take Father Ray's advice and run away to sort through her confusing. She sits on the church steps letting life happen to her some more when Blake spots her. When she informs Blake of her plan to leave town, Blake wonders if that is the right thing to do. Hold up. Blake is being the rational adult one here? BLAKE? Blake ... who faked a pregnancy to trap Alan Michael into marrying her. BLAKE... who cheated on Phillip with his brother. Christina Blake Thorpe is telling you not to do anything rash or impulsive? This is like Courtney Love running your intervention, like Liz Taylor giving marriage advice, like ... well, the pop culture analogies are endless. What strange world have I wandered into? But it does warm my heart to see how much Blake has grown as a character since I started watching that she could be the rational, mommy figure in Natalia's shaken and stirred universe. Natalia, by the way, looks about 12 sitting there on those steps which supports my theory that Natalia is regressing to her teenaged, pregnant self and doesn't know what to do. I mean she still being an idiot, but ...



Just when I thought this episode couldn't get any worse, Rafe shows up at the farmhouse to lay a bit of his wisdom on his mom. "You bailed on the BBQ"... asks the woman who bailed on the BBQ. In the immortal words of Phoebe Buffay, "hello pot, this is kettle. You're BLACK!" Rafe is chip off the old block. He left the Bauer BBQ because the thought of Natalia and Olivia ... gasp .. holding hands was just too much handle. Well, on this show that's practically watching your mom do it. Rafe is so busy telling his mother off that he doesn't notice the piece of luggage she is hauling down the stairs. He tells her that she raised him with by a certain code and even though he strayed from that code, he needed it. This is making it difficult for him to understand all this. Wait. Did Rafe just compare SHOOTING SOMEONE IN AN ATTEMPT TO SNUFF THEM OUT OF THIS LIFE with his mother's relationship with Olivia? Really, Rafe, did you just do that? 'Cause if we're throwing stones here, Rafe, you'd be crushed by a boulder. Your mom.. not so much. And I guess Rafe has just plain forgotten that when he did stray from those precious teachings he is so eager to live by now his mother didn't cast him out of her life like a pair of used, soiled panties.

With Natalia leaving town without so much as a word to her son or her pseudo, almost, passionate hugging, not quite, sort, kinda girlfriend, Blake is left to do the dirty work by telling Olivia that Natalia doesn't want to see her right now. The bad thing about this isn't Blake's poorly chosen words (don't think there was another way to say it without it hurting just as much), but it appears that Natalia didn't even give Blake a message to give to Olivia, so Blake just made it up to give Olivia some "closure" at the moment, which makes Natalia look even worse than she is already looking. Oh Natalia, even your cleavage does not give you a pass for how horrible you are being this episode.

Olivia holds on to her emotions just long enough to run away to a quiet place to cry. Should a heart patient be running and crying? Isn't that dangerous? The truly devastating part to this whole heartbreak circus is that Olivia did everything right on this go-around on the love train and it still blew up in her face. The girl can't win. If I were Olivia, I'd go back to being mean, snarky and selfish, at least she got laid that way. And like a call girl wanting to get it over with, Natalia blows town ... hard, leaving nothing but destruction and misery in her wake. God is having a good laugh and Marina was right. I'm laughing so hard I'm crying.

Next time on Guiding Light:
Natalia is still gone. Olivia is still crying and then stops when she realizes she is now free to hit on Blake and/or Doris. Frank is still a good man. A good, good man.


I present Otalia's love theme 2.0. Nothing like Madonna to sing my pain for me.